A Plea for Mercy: an Argumentative Essay

There’s only one thing worse than having writer’s block for two weeks, and that is having writer’s block for two weeks while writing an argumentative essay that’s due. It’s a impeding experience – to try assembling an idea in your head when your mind is blocked by annoying distractions and people who never learn to keep quiet. To be honest, it has been impossible for me to come up with a decent topic to argue about. Abortion, same-sex marriages, immigration – they are all old hat to me. Does anyone really care about these exhausting issues anymore? I sure as heck don’t, and so I wasn’t able to cough up a single good idea.

Despite my failure of this assignment, I still think that you should give me at least a C on this paper. I know what you’re probably thinking – “Who does this moron think he is? Writing an argument essay about the grade of his essay?” Despite your possible initial objections, I ask that you please give me a chance to prove my case, to argue for my cause. I have racked by brains for the last two weeks, asked classmates and friends for suggestions, read newspapers, watched hours of those “controversial” news magazines, but nothing popped out that was interesting.

What my essay lacks in content, it gains in formatting. The guidelines for the standard MLA format have been followed to the letter. Spelling is premium, grammar is in check, and the essay in all contains about 1000 words. All the paragraphs are nicely double-spaced, full-justified, and fonted with Courier New 10. Printed on fine, white paper, this essay is carefully hand-stapled in the left-hand corner. Plus, my essay includes newly coined spelling words such as fonted (to have had applied font properties to). So you see, you’ve got to give me at least a C for my paper’s appearance.

Of course, no one should be given a silver medal for doing lousy work. Sure, I may have formatted this essay the right way, but as far as content goes, it’s purely non-existent in this paper. I probably would have done better arguing about which color of toilet deodorizer looks more appealing, or the distinguishing characteristics between Macaroni & Cheese and Cheese & Macaroni. As for the formatting, any monkey-brain could easily have popped up a Wizard to format this essay in MLA format. For me to claim this ability as a God-send is ludicrous.

Now just wait a second! I can see you leaning over the little trash can by the desk, filled with old newspapers and apple cores, ready to add this “masterpiece” to the collection. Before you do, just think about this – several statistics show that over 99.9% of all college essays are actually plagiarized! Ah-ha! That means that 99.9% of the class is forging their work, forging it right underneath your nose, and that all this so-called “research” that my classmates are doing is bogus. On those so-called “Library Nights”, they’re probably all at home, watching reruns of Jerry Springer and snacking on Pringles. But I am truthful. At least I’m being honest, and in being honest, I should be rewarded with a C minimum.

On the other hand, it would be hypocritical of me to say that I should get a good grade on a paper just because everyone else cheated. After all, how do you know that I didn’t plagiarize this essay myself? I may have stolen a copy of this from the quiet girl who sits to the right of me in class. Maybe I “borrowed” it from the guy with the curly long hair who’s late all the time. And what about those statistics? Where did they come from? Maybe I’m just making them up, pretending that I saw them on NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw. Perhaps.

Now I can see you at this very moment reaching for your Bic cigarette lighter, contemplating not on whether you should burn this paper, but when. Before you do, let me tell you first that burning paper kills trees. Yes, it does. Secondly, we live in the equal-outcome 1990’s. It has been proven that the grading system in unfair to the intelligently disadvantaged and should be abolished. If you don’t give me at least a C, I will get some shady, ambulance-chasing lawyer and sue you for grade discrimination. Yes, I will sue you and the college for wrongful, unjust, grade discrimination. Remember, nobody believes in the “You reap what you sow” attitude anymore. Now, it’s “If I don’t get it my way, it’s your fault and I’m gonna sue your pants off.”

How exactly this lawsuit would fly is beyond me. I probably wouldn’t win. What would be my case? My teacher gave me an F because I did a lousy job on an essay and now I’m suing him because it just isn’t fair? The judge would most likely laugh at me, commend you and the school for it’s disciplinary action, and slap on a counter-suit for defamation of character. I’d probably have better luck just jamming a fork in my left eye and suing the fork manufacturers for not putting “DO NOT PUT IN EYE” labels on all their utensils.

I bet you’re ready to call the dean’s office to have me removed from the FLC grounds. Before you make that call (which will undoubtedly destroy my life) please hear me out awhile longer. I know that my paper lacks true content and that it may not follow the assignment’s requirements at all. I know that I’ve made some foolish excuses for not putting any effort into this paper. I know that I started this essay at 10:48 last night with a hot cup of coffee by my side. I know I have failed, but I beg, I suggest, I urge you to give me at least a C. Why? Because… at least I tried. I put some thought into it, and it’s the thought that counts? Right?



Parody of Stone Temple Pilot’s “Vasoline”

One time on interstate 93
Silly thought just crossed my mind
It seems that gas costs way too high

Is it good? Is it cheap?
Is there full service at BP?
Where’s the wash or the squeegee?
Somewhere near the gasoline

Northbound on highway 23
Can’t get to work on time
Is it bad octane, I wonder why?
Thirsty of gasoline we are
More mileage means more time
To wait on the road in this line

Is it good? Is it cheap?
Why does the pump continue to beep?
Where’s the restroom cause I’ve gotta pee?
Somewhere near the gasoline

You’ll see the road and you’ll see the signs
You’ll read the signs, and you will
Thirsty of gasoline we are

More mileage means more time
To wait on the road in this line
Is it good? Is it cheap?
Where’s a motel for me to sleep?
Isn’t this a song from STP?
Somewhere near the gasoline



Walk through your walls
Vanish your worst fears
Be helped, be guided
Wipe away those tears

Numb the pain – Numb the pain
Jump into a disillusion
Jump toward the quick solution
Numb the pain
No pain – All gain

Don’t face the facts
Don’t fight the war
Don’t bother with life
Break free of the bore
Use me forever
Use me for life
I’ll make you happy
I’ll numb you for life
I’ll numb you your life

Numb the pain – Numb the pain
Use me to numb the pain
Use me to boost your gain
You don’t need reality
You don’t need friends
Use me – Numb your pain
Numb your pain till it ends
Numb it. Numb it. Numb it.
I am the control of your pain.
I am your pain.